As parents, we always strive to do what's best for our children. But let's face it, parenting can be a challenging trial-and-error process.
In recent years, conscious and gentle parenting has gained popularity as a way to raise emotionally intelligent and mentally resilient kids. However, new research suggests that even with the best intentions, we might unknowingly be screwing up our kids.
We all want our kids to grow up mentally strong, and capable of taking on life's challenges. And it turns out, that mentally strong kids not only fare better in the long run but they also excel in school and their future careers. So, what's the catch?
Over the past few decades, scientists have made groundbreaking discoveries about child development and the parent-child relationship. And some of these findings have the potential to shake up our understanding of parenting.
With World Mental Health Day here, let's dive into how our behaviour as parents can unknowingly build resentment in our children, affecting their mental well-being and future relationships.
It's no secret that parents have a significant impact on their children's lives. However, in our quest to raise emotionally strong kids, it's crucial to strike the right balance.
The line between guiding our children and unintentionally stifling their independence is a fine one. Too much interference or suppression can create resentment, an emotion that can have long-lasting effects on their mental health and ability to form healthy relationships.
Think about it. Have you ever felt like your desires were consistently overshadowed or disregarded when you were young?
If so, you know how deep-seated resentment can emerge. The same holds true for our children. When they feel their voice is constantly silenced, it can negatively impact their mental well-being and even strain their relationships later in life.
So, what are some parenting behaviours that may contribute to resentment? How can we avoid these unintended consequences and foster healthy parent-child relationships?
Talking to the HuffPost Dr. Gene Beresin, a Harvard Medical School psychiatry professor and the executive director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital, said negative feelings and insecure connections with parents often become the model for kids’ expectations of relationships with other adults and peers.
Therefore they might see others as potential victimisers and isolate themselves out of fear of unfair treatment and pain.
Or they might be prone to angry outbursts and misbehaviour ― or even turn the anger and blame on themselves, leading to chronic guilt and low self-esteem.
He shared some ways in which parents may be building resentment in their children without even knowing it.
Inconsistent parenting
Children need structure and consistency much like they get in school. When they are treated in much of a haphazard way, they learn over time that the world and human behaviour are untrustworthy and that they can never know what to expect.
Breaking promises
Promising something and then forgetting because you are just too stressed or busy can create resentment. This is a hard one because you as the adult feel you have a good reason for dropping the ball, but the kid doesn’t see it that way.
They had an expectation, got excited and now it’s unfulfilled, explained Keneisha Sinclair-McBride, a clinical psychologist at Boston Children’s Hospital to the HuffPost.
Minimising your kid’s feelings
Kids need to know that it’s healthy to express and talk about their emotions. When parents tell their kids things such as “Don’t be so sad about it” or “it’s not a big deal”, they’re sending the message that feelings don’t matter and that it’s better to suppress them.
Always saving them from failure
Failure is a big part of success. If kids are never given the chance to learn the lessons that come with failure, they’ll never develop the perseverance they need to rise back up after a setback.
In fact, according to the 2022 LEGO® Play Well Study, 97% of participants said that experimentation builds their child’s confidence, with 95% saying that they would rather their child tried something and failed, than that they didn’t try at all.
Not explaining reasons for things
Many parents feel they don’t have to explain their decisions to their children. However, communicating the reasoning behind different decisions can reduce resentment and promote mutual respect.
Imposing your own expectations on your children
It is important for parents to see and value their children for who they are, and they should support them in their own interests, wishes, and dreams. And avoid living ‘vicariously’ through their children.
Assume that what worked for your first—or you—will work for your second
If you have more than one child, you have probably noticed that not only do their personalities vary greatly, but other variables like sleep habits, attention spans, learning styles, and responses to discipline can also be extraordinarily different between children.
Parenting is not one size fits all. The same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the carrot … The same parental behaviour can have different effects depending on the personality of the child.
Thinking your baby shouldn’t be babied
Research shows children who receive more sensitive and responsive care (so their needs are responded to) become more competent and independent toddlers.