A woman who made decisions to please other people as opposed to living her truth, had to learn the hard way that there's no reward in living a lie.
*Martha Malindisa knew from an early age that she was different.
She said immediately when she hit puberty, she knew that she was attracted to women and marriage and children didn't align with her future plans.
But growing up in the 90's in Verena, Mpumalanga, the 37-year-old said she was not sure how to would approach her feelings especially in an environment where women were considered inferior.
Out of fear of being ostracised, Malindisa said she decided to embrace social norms so that she could fit in.
"I was attracted to girls, but I couldn’t share that with anyone. I didn’t want to look strange. So, I suppressed my feelings and decided to be like everyone else and act 'normal'," she said.
After completing matric, Malindisa moved to Gauteng where she secured a job as a cleaner at a shopping complex in Pretoria.
“That’s when I met the father of my children. He worked at one of the stores in the complex. After dating for almost a year, we moved in together.
"In the beginning, things were okay - he treated me well - but after a while, I realised he was a womaniser. We would break up and then later reconcile. During this on-and-off relationship, we had three children,” she said.
When asked if lobola had been paid, Malindisa explained that he only paid half when he was trying to win her back after a year-long separation. Despite this, the relationship fell apart again.
“I really regret dating that man because my life is a mess, and now I have all these children to raise while he continues his life as if nothing happened. He’s not helping me with anything,” she said.
Malindisa lost her job during the height of the Covi-19 pandemic and has been job-hunting ever since.
To improve her chances of finding employment, she didn’t return to Mpumalanga and is currently staying with a relative in Soshanguve.
“I need to find something for myself because if this woman passes away, her children, who are my cousins, will not be as understanding as she is, they will probably want me out of the house.
“I love my children, but if I could do it all over again, I would have chosen differently. I can’t stop thinking about how my life would have turned out if I had just followed my feelings and lived my truth. Yes, it was daunting to come out at that time, but at least I wouldn’t be carrying this burden,” she said.
Malindisa added that, even if she started dating women now, it wouldn’t make a difference.
“What’s the point?” she asked.
“Had I started dating women from the beginning, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Even if I start now, my children are here for life. I still have to provide for them, and they’re depending on me because their father is useless,” she said, sounding frustrated.
“Actually, children aren’t the problem; the problem is having them with the wrong person. That was my biggest mistake—a mistake I made trying to please people,” she said.
For now, Malindisa said she relies on social grants to provide for herself and her children.
She also explained that taking the father of her children to court for maintenance wasn’t an option for her.
“I don’t want to force him to do the right thing. He knows what he’s supposed to do. I don’t want the stress of dragging an old man to court,” she said.
*Not her real name