Meghan Leahy
Question: More than once, my 5-year-old has said things like: “All boys are stinky. And boys (with a certain skin tone) are the most stinky.”
I’ve gently pushed back on those comments, trying to communicate that that’s not accurate and that it’s unkind to say.
Is that the right approach? I worry that talking about it more gives too much attention to the wrong kind of comments. The racist commentary concerns me more than the “boys have cooties” kind of comments.
We’re a biracial family ourselves and make a point of reading books that have protagonists of all skin tones.
Her preschool is pretty diverse too. I don’t think there is a racial majority. But the kids she sometimes says are mean to her have the skin tone she makes statements about. (An example of mean: A little boy saying, “I have my cookie but you don’t,” as they wait for their teacher to pass out cookies).
Answer: As long as children have been walking the Earth, I imagine they have noticed and spoken about the differences they see around them.
When I was growing up, I was taught to “not see colour” and “We are all the same,” which in hindsight, may not be as bad as overt racism, but is pretty darn close.
Teaching children that what they see isn’t real or important not only minimises others, but it keeps the larger culture (white) centred.
So, well done on addressing it! No matter how uncomfortable it may make you, grappling with these conversations is the way forward for better race relations.
For more advice, I turned to Jennifer Noble, a clinical psychologist who specialises in children and adolescents/teens and multicultural community clinical psychology.
The first point that I thought was worth noting was: “It does not matter if the school is diverse or has more/less of a particular racial/ethnic group – all children are taught that people with darker skin colours are not desirable in various ways. It is a way that children in our American society (and many countries worldwide) are indirectly racially socialised.”
I highlight this because it is easy to assume that if parents choose a racially diverse school, we can skip the hard work of having difficult and awkward conversations with our children.
This is not the case. No matter how many different skin tones are in your children’s class, parents have to actively break down the systems that are always subtly and overtly at work.
Noble suggests dismantling racism through education and discussion and suggests parents read “Our Skin: A First Conversation About Race”.
“It will give the opportunity to ask more questions about skin colour and discuss racism in an age-appropriate way,” she said.
“You can help your daughter understand that boys being mean is not nice, but that boys are not mean because of their skin colour. Your goal is to help your daughter separate behaviour from skin colour.”
By having a book to refer to, you give yourself an anchor, and having a discussion is an excellent time to show what close listening feels like.
You’re not trying to talk your daughter out of mean vs nice behaviour. Rather, you’re discussing that there isn’t a correlation between mean actions and skin colour.
Along these lines, keep the conversation going about what it means to be “mean” and help your daughter to develop skills to handle it. This is first done through close listening.
As Noble suggests: “You’d want her to be able to still express her frustration with people who choose to be mean to her and others.
“Validate her statements with: ‘Oh, (boy’s name) was very mean and you didn’t like that! Ugh, I hate it when people are not kind! I would not want to play with people who are mean to me’”.
By validating and listening to your daughter, you help her trust her gut, while also pointing out instances that children with different skin tones are kind.
It may feel like overkill, but values in families are taught in a number of ways: how we live, what we say, what we do, how we treat others and where we spend our money and time.
Explicitly saying, “That boy with a darker skin colour is sharing, isn’t he?” points your daughter’s attention to where you want it, which is what Noble emphasises. Your goal is to help your daughter separate behaviours from skin tone.
This is a lifelong conversation, and this is just the beginning. Take the pressure off being perfect or doing it all right, and just keep the communication going. Good luck!