Child expert unpacks the impact of clashing discipline styles
|Published
Picture this: You’re in a bustling coffee shop observing parents interact with their children. In one corner, a mother calmly negotiates with her toddler over a cookie.
Across the room, a father sternly reprimands his child for spilling a drink. And, by the window, a couple seems to let their kids run wild without intervention. Welcome to the fascinating world of modern parenting styles.
As millennials step into parenthood, they’re rewriting the rulebook their parents used. Gone are the days when “because I said so” was the ultimate parental trump card.
Today’s parents are navigating a landscape shaped by social media, evolving family structures, and a wealth of child psychology research.
But here’s the twist: even within the same household, approaches to parenting can differ dramatically. It’s like a parenting potluck, where each adult brings their flavour to the table.
This diversity in discipline styles is exactly what Professor Nicolette Roman, a child and family wellbeing expert at the University of the Western Cape (UWC), has been exploring.
In a recent exploration of parenting styles and their effects, Roman shared insights on the impact of differing parental approaches within a single household.
Her observations, shared in a conversation with Harriet Box, shed light on the challenges faced by both children and parents in such situations.
According to Roman, when parents adopt contrasting disciplinary styles - one being easy-going and the other strict - it can lead to confusion and distress in children.
“Children might perceive the lenient parent as more approachable while viewing the stricter parent as overly harsh,” she explained.
“Research suggests that an authoritative parenting style, which balances warmth and clear rules, can enhance support and cohesion between parents,” Roman said.
This approach, characterised by high levels of support and involvement, often leads to better communication about child-related issues and can strengthen the bond between parents.
According to her, parenting styles can be categorised into four main types: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved.
These styles are based on four key dimensions: disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturance, communication, and expectations of maturity.
“Among these, the authoritative parenting style seems to have the most positive impact on parental relationships,” Roman explained.
“This approach, which balances high levels of support and involvement with clear rules, often leads to increased support between parents.”
The expert noted that authoritative parenting can be particularly beneficial for marital quality. “Warmth and support are strong predictors of a healthy marriage,” she said.
“Moreover, this style encourages high levels of verbal communication about child-related issues, which can strengthen the bond between parents.”
However, Roman also warned about the potential negative effects of conflicting parenting styles within a family. “When parents have different approaches, it can upset the family’s balance of power and authority,” she cautioned.
“This can lead to a phenomenon known as triangulation, where children may try to play one parent against the other.”
The expert explained that such situations could result in manipulation and power struggles within the family.
“Children might learn to exploit parental disagreements, which can erode family unity,” Roman said.
Furthermore, she pointed out that divergent parenting styles can create confusion and stress for the entire family.
“Inconsistent rules and expectations can lead to frustration and anxiety for children,” she stated. “It can also leave parents feeling overwhelmed and inadequate.”
“Resolving differences in parenting styles is crucial for creating a harmonious family environment based on trust, respect, and understanding,” she advised. “Parents should strive for a unified approach that prioritises clear communication and mutual support.”
Roman further highlighted, “When parents discuss their parenting ideals, beliefs, and expectations openly, they can resolve disagreements more easily and stay united. This requires listening to each other without judgement and respectfully expressing ideas and emotions.”
Working together as parents allows you to draw on each other’s skills, experiences, and insights to make good decisions and handle challenges.
Consistently enforcing clear rules and limits is crucial for raising responsible children. It provides the stability and predictability kids need. Parents should set clear expectations and enforce them in all situations.
This consistency helps children understand what’s expected of them, reduces conflicts, and builds trust in their caregivers.
If a parenting approach isn’t working, seeking professional help, like from a family therapist, can provide an outside perspective and enable more positive interactions. Asking for assistance shows a dedication to the child’s well-being and family harmony.