Loneliness in big cities: Are our own expectations to blame?
|Published
As more young adults flock to big cities seeking opportunities and adventure, a less visible trend is also emerging: loneliness. The promise of a bustling urban life often contrasts starkly with the reality many young people face, feeling isolated in the crowd.
In recent years, large cities like New York, London and Tokyo have witnessed an influx of young adults. According to a report by the US Census Bureau, people aged 18 to 34 make up nearly 23% of the population in major urban areas.
These cities offer numerous job prospects, cultural experiences and social events, attracting young people from smaller towns and rural areas.
Despite the apparent social opportunities in big cities, young adults often find themselves lonelier than ever.
A survey by Cigna in 2018, found that nearly half of adults feel lonely, with young adults reporting the highest rates of loneliness among all age groups.
This loneliness paradox can be attributed to various factors:
Urban lifestyles often result in brief, surface-level interactions. It’s challenging to form deep connections when people frequently move for jobs or other opportunities. And social media creates unrealistic expectations about city life.
When reality doesn’t match the highlight reels, feelings of inadequacy and loneliness can intensify.
For Isabella Epstein, moving to the trendy West Village in 2021, the city sounded like a "Sex and the City" scenario. In her mind, she’d have a group of stylish friends, exciting brunch dates, and non-stop city adventures. But the reality was different.
At just 23, Epstein left her quiet Connecticut hometown for the bustling streets of New York City. She had landed a prestigious job as an investment banker, a dream come true. Yet, despite her professional success, loneliness crept in.
There were no enthusiastic friends waiting to welcome her. No glamorous social circle to dive into.
Speaking with the New York Post Epstein found herself unhappily alone. In her desperation for human connection, she even tried talking to random strangers on the streets of NYC.
“It was like being a kid in a new school,” she said. “I just wanted someone to sit with during lunch.”
Why did Epstein feel so disappointed? She had great expectations about her new life. TV shows and movies painted a picture of what her city experience should be like.
When reality didn’t match the fantasy, disappointment hit hard. Our expectations often amplify our feelings of dissatisfaction.
A 2020 study by the American Sociological Association highlights that young adults in big cities tend to feel lonelier compared to their small-town counterparts. This loneliness isn’t because of the city's size but due to unmet social expectations.
Last winter, Epstein decided enough was enough. She realised her expectations were the root of her disappointment. Instead of waiting for friends to appear magically, she took action.
She turned to social media and did something bold: she started inviting strangers to dinner.
“I started making reservations at different places around the city and inviting people on TikTok,” Epstein told “The Post”.
Epstein’s approach was simple but effective. By shedding her fears and ego, she posted open invitations on local social media groups and apps. Within months, her circle grew. She found her tribe through countless dinners, coffee dates, and spontaneous meet-ups.
“I met some amazing people who were just as eager to make friends,” she shared. “It wasn’t instant, but slowly, I built a community I could rely on.”
Although Epstein found a solution to her loneliness, many young adults continue to struggle. Isolation is a significant issue for many in her generation, especially in big cities.
Recent research from the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene highlights this issue. It found that residents ages 18 to 24 experience the highest rates of "serious psychological distress" (SPD) in New York City.
The report showed a clear link between mental health and social connections. Young adults who had a sense of community experienced lower rates of SPD. Specifically, only 12% of those who felt they belonged to a community reported distress, compared to 26% of those who did not.
While loneliness remains a widespread issue, stories like Epstein’s offer hope. By reaching out and creating community, even in unconventional ways, young adults can find the friendships and support they need.