What the expert says on relationship money matters

Money is one of the Most significant and often challenging aspects of any relationship. Whether you’re just starting out or have been together for years, financial discussions can either strengthen your bond or create tension and misunderstanding.

Navigating finances as a couple requires open communication, mutual respect, and a shared vision for the future. Educational psychologist and life coach Tshepiso Matentjie explores practical strategies for managing money together.

GQ: When is the appropriate time to discuss financial expectations in a relationship?

The appropriate time is throughout its duration, not just during pre-marital counselling or financial crises. It’s crucial to start these conversations early, before becoming deeply intertwined. Early discussions reveal unspoken expectations that influence behaviour and uncover gender stereotypes regarding financial roles versus emotional support.

GQ: How can couples ensure that discussions about money do not create tension or resentment?

Approach the topic with sensitivity and respect for each other’s perspectives and feelings. Be honest about concerns while considering how your words might impact your partner. Instead of immediately trying to fix problems, offer support and understanding. Focus on nurturing the relationship rather than viewing it solely through the lens of financial transactions. Look for a financial advisor, financial planner or money coach. They will give you a safe place to discuss financial challenges, looking objectively at your current income and liabilities in light of your financial goals and aspirations.

GQ: Are there any red flags to watch out for regarding financial habits in a potential partner?

One significant flag is a lack of commitment to healthy financial practices, such as living beyond their means or carrying substantial debt, including obligations like “black tax”. Another critical red flag is a dismissive attitude towards financial issues, treating serious problems as quirky or unimportant. This mindset can indicate resistance to necessary changes and growth.

GQ: How can one gauge if one’s partner has compatible financial values without seeming intrusive?

Initiate honest conversations about each other’s views and behaviours regarding money. Approach it as a mutual exploration rather than an interrogation. Discuss how past experiences and challenges have influenced your attitudes towards money. This understanding can provide valuable insights into your partner’s financial values. Consider discussing your “money archetypes”, or the patterns in how you both approach finances. This can help align financial  goals with personal and relationship aspirations.

GQ: How should couples handle money responsibilities when living together but not yet married?

It’s essential to start with a discussion about the reasons for moving in together and the shared financial responsibilities. Many couples move in to minimise expenses and combine financial resources, often taking on leases or mortgages jointly. It’s crucial to address what happens in case of a break-up or relationship difficulties, including planning for potential financial burdens.

GQ: What are some common mistakes couples make when managing shared finances?

• When financial responsibilities are divided according to what salaries one is currently making without any regard to reviewing this arrangement regularly.

• Believing that the man’s money is ours and the woman’s money is hers and hers alone is another mistake. It creates inequity and entitlement.

• Financial infidelity. This is when one partner, unbeknownst to their partner, hides their financial status, takes from the joint account or hides money from their partner to whatever end they decide.

• Choosing to be a stay-at-home parent when as a couple you are still in the “hunter-gatherer” phase of constituting your family. One partner will feel excluded and undermined when pertinent financial decisions are being taken with disregard for their inputs or concerns.

• Financing your partner to start a business without ensuring that they have the financial intelligence and the emotional intelligence to learn and walk at the same time.