Pleasure is an awesome thing to give, satisfying and rewarding, but do we know how?
Jonti Searll describes himself as a sensualist, and has been exploring sensuality and sexuality for a long time. For the past five years he's been running workshops to teach people the "how
to".
If genital massage, expanded orgasm and intimacy grab your attention, Searll probably has something to teach you.
Many people instinctively know that there's more to sex than just penetration and orgasm. Yet very few know how to go about it.
Searll says he is not a sex therapist, and although he's been called "the sex guru", that doesn't sit well with him. Whatever he teaches, he has learned through experience, over many years.
"When I hit puberty, sex fascinated me - and from there my interest just grew stronger. I became aware that there had to be more to sex, it occupies so much of our time and energy. And so I went on a journey to discover the connection between sex and spirit."
Searll's teachings draw on Tantric, Taoist traditions and various teachings from the East and West.
"I use what works, what's effective and what you can take home and integrate easily into life. I've put together something that's usable, practical and makes people feel safe, that they can easily learn and integrate."
The question is, do we need fulfiling sex lives, and do we need expanded orgasms? Recent research shows women, particularly, are not getting what they want.
"The recent Durex sex survey found that 45 percent of women are not having orgasms and 55 percent fake orgasm," says Searll.
"You must know that a fair amount of that is because people don't know what the heck they're doing. One study found that 35 percent of men in their 20s couldn't find the clitoris, let alone know what to do with it."
And while men claim they know when a woman is faking an orgasm, the truth is they don't.
And yes, we do need fulfiling sex lives: "Sex is so important in every area of our relationships - communication, levels of intimacy, self-definition. But there's little openness about sex, we don't have the language and the basics, and we're not comfortable asking for what we want."
This is not a woman thing, says Searll. "Men are also increasingly dissatisfied with performance-oriented sex - they're also looking for fulfilment."
Today people expect more from each other. If we're not satisfied in relationships, we move on, hence our high divorce rates.
"We are sensual beings and all our senses connect to our sexuality; sexual energy is connected to the energy of our spirit - and it is powerful, which is why it is used for fear and to control.
"Fulfilment comes from intimacy, intimacy involves vulnerability, honesty, deep emotion, trust and sharing.
"The real power of relationships is intimacy, yet we hide so much of who we are. We fear being judged for our desires and fantasies."
Trust and willingness to risk become important here.
"Good lovers are made, not born - you need to learn about sex and sensuality. But technique is only part of the story. We read so much based on learning how to be a good lover.
"But it is important how you touch, how you feel. It's not about technique, but how to touch from your heart, express how you're feeling, whether that's chilled, playful, energetic," Searll said.
Exploring the Body Erotic is the title of one of his workshops.
"Sensual touch is an art. I give a demo on someone's back, and everybody plays and practises - keeping as many clothes on as they feel comfortable with.
There's a great difference between sex, goal-oriented genital activity and sensuality, which is all of who we are - all our senses and our heart, says Searll.
For fulfilment, we need to learn a few things. While the mechanics of sex may seem simple, sexuality is incredibly complex. There is no one to teach us about sex. It's hard to get information and we read so many different things.
We're confused.
Added to that, is that sex education is largely fear-based: "It's 'careful not to get pregnant', and 'don't get Aids'. Nobody teaches you about pleasure."
We also have to acknow-ledge that sex is about vulnerability: "Ask for sex, and you're vulnerable."
At some stage, 75 percent of men have problems with erections or premature ejaculations (a lot caused by medications).
"You'll understand why there's so much insecurity and ego stuff around sex.
"Tantric sex is ritualised. You come together in a space created for that purpose, you greet your partner. There's eye contact and breathing - it's heart stuff."
Some of his workshops require a partner, others not. "When you do it on your own, you learn about yourself - nobody teaches us about ourselves like our sexuality," says Searll.
How does he weed out people with suspect motives?
"I make sure people know what's involved. People who come for other reasons soon leave, or pick up what it's about."
We live in a world that is far from sexually liberated, says Searll.
"Sex today is trapped in performance, penetration and orgasm. And there's a lot of erotic wounding."
His workshops can be healing, he says: "This week I've had three couples where the women has been sexually abused. You can only go to the body to do healing."
Lack of libido, he says, can be because of sexual pain, unsatisfying sex or not getting what you need.
"Some women just take a long time to reach orgasm, and start to feel guilty and feel tense. Women have a powerful sexuality and they know it threatens men. They hold on so tightly in so many areas of their lives that they have difficulty in letting go, relaxing and allowing pleasure."
Another of his workshops offers expanded orgasm, which many people raise an eyebrow at.
"We allow ourself such limited pleasure - orgasm for women lasts 15 to 20 seconds, men, 10 to 15 seconds. The concept of an expanded orgasm, 15 to 20 minutes, is foreign to us," says Searll.
If the basis of life was pleasure, believes Searll, it would be a better world. "But we live in a pain-based society."
Searll plans to change that.
- Searll lives in Johannesburg but conducts workshops in Cape Town. Contact him at 083 743 5129 or 011 486 2069.