Thousands of people marched under the banner #JusticeForCwecwe following the rape of a seven-year-old Bergview College pupil in the Eastern Cape. The swelling cry from this conversation ought to irk us until we listen as men, says the writer.
Image: Armand Hough/ Independent Newspapers
Lukhanyo E. Makhenyane
MOST South African men who have never been tried for or accused of rape are certain they have never raped anyone. I ask, how certain are you?
The question above emanates from levels of ignorance of South African men when it comes to rape, turning the country into a hub for such a heinous act against women and children. It is no surprise Professor Dineo Gqola declares rape a South African nightmare. It is a nightmare women and children will never wake up from. While the nation is still bleeding from what happened to Uyinene, we are wounded again by the case of Cwecwe. For how long, my fellow brothers?
This past weekend I came across a WhatsApp status that was disturbing, yet necessary.
The swelling cry from this conversation ought to irk us until we listen as men. The act of rape is unjustifiable; it is wrong and downright pathetic.
One day an ignorant man once asked, “When does it become rape? … I mean she is used to having sex.” That was disturbing! She may have been used to having sex, but rape is not sex. When a woman engages in coitus with her partner, it is both physical and emotional. When a stranger forces himself on her, both physically and emotionally she is detached from the act she is used to having with her partner. After a while, the physical scars will heal, if they do heal, but emotional scars will never heal. To emphasise this point, Dr Athambile Masola, in a poem titled ‘Wakrazulwa’, compares scars of rape to the permanent scars of Jesus Christ. In the sixth stanza she laments,
Wakrazuka
Wopha.
Inxeba elingapheliyo.
(She was torn apart and bled a wound that will never heal)
Sex is beautiful, it is a gift from God, it leaves no scars; but rape is evil, it leaves permanent scars.
Most men who have never been tried for or accused of rape pride themselves on pleading their way to getting coitus until she agrees. My brother, if her first response was “No!”, “Not today!”, “I am not in the mood!” whatever happens after those statements is not sex, but rape. Are you sure you have never raped?
Asking nicely does not overpower her initial no and exempt you from having raped her. The fact that she did not take the matter up with the law does not exempt you from having taken from her without her will. When a bunch of thugs ask for your belongings, and you say no; then they plead with you until you concede; were you robbed or not? Taking after a “No” boils down to rape. Are you sure you have never raped?
There are cases when a woman is tired of saying no to a man’s persistent pleas and decides to keep quiet. If you continue with the sexual act, whether she files for rape or not, you have violated her. The fact that she is your wife, dating you, knows you, had sex with you before, holds no weight against her saying no and staying quiet to your pleas. Are you sure you have never raped?
As men, we tend to defend our actions based on our ignorance. She allowed me to touch her; we then kissed, and I started undressing her. Just when I was about to put it in, she said, "No! Please stop! Let's not do it!" What was I supposed to do? You were supposed to do exactly what she told you to do, STOP. Your continuing was not sex, but rape. Are you sure you have never raped?
Do you remember those days you would ask her to accompany you to fetch a jersey or close windows at your place and then you would walk her home? Do you remember locking the door when she was inside, pressuring her to have one round with you or she will not go home? Manipulating, pressuring or tricking a woman into saying yes to coitus is not sex, but rape. She agreed to accompany you home to fetch your jersey, not to have sex with you. Are you sure you have never raped?
When you buy her cider you are not buying her permission to sleep with you. When she asks you to walk her home or to her room, she does not permit you to ask her for coitus. Giving her a lift in your car is not agreeing to lift you on her chest. Asking you to pray for her or give her a Bible study is not permission to prey on her or end the Bible study by preying on her instead of ending it with prayer. Are you sure you have never raped?
One day you came back to your boys bragging to have broken her virginity. You became the envy of the gang. You were 16 or 17 and she was two grades below you, making her below the age of consent in South Africa, 16. I agree, she was your girlfriend, but according to law she had no capacity to make the choice of having coitus with you. Are you sure you have never raped?
If we care to think long and hard about our actions, we will realise that we should have been put away for a long time. These heinous acts of violating women and children must end. We need a change of mind as men.
A woman in a mini-skirt or tight jeans, a child in a diaper is not asking us to have sex with her. The display of her cleavage is not an invitation to us. The problem is not her choice of attire, but our mindset. African girls wore iinkciyo (traditional dress) and walked around with bare breasts and that was never an excuse for boys and men to forced themselves on them. What happened to your mind, my brother? Who taught you this behaviour?
Rape affects women and children in all facets of life – physically, emotionally, socially and intellectually. The lives of Cwecwe and many others will never be the same. It is so painful to realise her life and future is affected in ways she cannot reverse.
As we seek justice for Cwecwe, let us change our actions and make South Africa a haven for our women and children.
Brother to brother: it's enough, mfo wethu! Let it end with us!
Dr Makhenyane is a senior lecturer in the African Language at the University of Johannesburg and writes in his personal capacity.
CAPE TIMES