16 Days Campaign | A Cape Flats mother's journey from abuse to empowerment

I am a 40-year-old mother of three boys. I was born on the Cape Flats and am the eldest of three girls. My parents divorced when I was eight years old, and after the divorce, I was raised by my father. We moved around the Cape Flats frequently, and I had to help my dad raise my siblings. During this time, my dad worked long hours to ensure we had money for food and the basics we needed for school. This meant I had to grow up fast, making sure my siblings had something to eat every night and were ready for school each morning.

As a teenager in high school, I struggled to relate to other children my age. I felt misunderstood and lost. That’s when I met a man whom I trusted, but that same man raped me when I was 17 years old. I told a family member about the rape, and I’ll never forget their words: “I knew you wanted it.” I felt guilty about the rape and believed what they said.

A year later, at 18 years old, I was raped again by a man who worked at the taxi rank in Athlone. I reported the case to the police, but nothing happened. Not long after this, a family member began selling me to a key service provider, forcing me to visit his office to support our family financially. I hated myself but felt I had to do this to gain their love, affection, and approval. This is when I started using drugs to numb the pain I was feeling. I felt disappointed with myself and my family. I felt alone and worthless. I was on drugs for two years, during which time I acted out in many unhealthy ways. I also tried to commit suicide multiple times. I was lost and cried out for help. 

At 19, I met my ex-husband, the father of my three children. He was charming, and I thought I had found what was missing in my life. We created our own little family. He was a drug addict, but I somehow accepted that because he was a functioning drug addict. He provided for our children and me. Growing up in a township, using drugs and belonging to gangs was normal to us. For the first four years of our relationship, everything appeared to be perfect. But things got worse when he lost his job; he then became a career criminal. He stole and sold cars for a living and was in and out of prison. I thought it was cool. I would visit him in prison and make sure he had everything he needed while he was there. I was complicit in many of his criminal activities and committed known and unknown crimes in the name of protecting him and keeping the family together. A life of crime and living off the proceeds of crime became normal. I would pretend to everyone that things were okay. Even though I was disconnected from my own family and the marriage became more and more toxic. I later became sick from all the stress I was experiencing. I was always anxious and experienced several panic attacks. The abuse in our marriage affected not only me but also our boys.

After being threatened by police who were looking for my husband, I realised that I could also be arrested and that my children would be without both of us if I didn’t reach out for help. During the Covid-19 pandemic, things became worse for me and my children. My ex-husband was deep into drugs and, at this point, didn’t care about us at all. He had countless affairs with women, some of whom were known to me. His criminal activity escalated during this time, and the neighbourhood watch and police were constantly at our door. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety. I struggled to sleep. I had also lost a lot of weight. I didn’t recognise myself. But I had three children to care for. I shared my struggles with an aunty in my area, who referred me to Aunty Caroline of Callas Foundation. At Callas Foundation, I joined a women’s support group, where I met other women like me. They had also experienced various forms of abuse in their lives. I realised that I was not alone. 

The support group forced me to address my traumas and take responsibility for my actions. During our support group sessions, I realised the extent of the abuse I went through in all forms: economic, sexual, verbal, psychological, and eventually physical. With assistance from the organisation, I got a protection order against my ex-husband. And later, as I became stronger, I divorced him. It was not easy. There were times I did not want to go for my therapy sessions. I could not face what I had to deal with, but I pushed through because deep down, I knew this was my last shot at a better life.  I understand that for many women, it is not easy to break free from a life of abuse and crime, as we always want to keep the family together. I thank God that I could exit this life. Today, I am a working single mother of three boys. I am a trusted member of society. I started working at Callas Foundation as an admin assistant, where I rebuilt my life. After some time, I secured a position at one of the leading financial institutions. And now, I have moved on to an even better position at a Pathologist's office. I learned that my past does not define me, I define me and I will never look back. 

This article forms part of a series written by GBV victims and survivors to be featured during this 16 Days of Activism for No Violence against Women and Children Campaign. Full names are being withheld to protect identities.

Cape Times