Hobbies, such as playing chess, take on greater meaning after men say goodbye to the 9 to 5 daily grind and settle down to a life where trying to take it easy can be fraught with difficulties and having nothing meaningful to do. Hobbies, such as playing chess, take on greater meaning after men say goodbye to the 9 to 5 daily grind and settle down to a life where trying to take it easy can be fraught with difficulties and having nothing meaningful to do.
Steven*, now 64, retired from his job as a corporate accountant at 55, and admits his life is more enjoyable and balanced than it ever was as a nine-to-five working man. “I was stuck doing a job I didn’t like, so it was a great relief to retire,” he says.
One of the first things he did was cancel the garden service, so he could do it himself. He goes to the gym three or four times a week, plays golf with his son every week and sees his kids and grandchildren regularly.
“I keep up with my friends, I’m up on the news, I read, and I get out of the house occasionally during the week for an hour – no more – and have a couple of beers. For 10 to 12 weeks of the year, I’m on holiday, because fortunately I can afford it,” he says.
Steven is a good example of what retirement should look like for men. Sadly, however, there are many who don’t find anything like this sort of fulfilment in their post-work years, and instead, deteriorate mentally and physically almost visibly.
A number of studies have found the sooner men retire, the sooner they die, with one study into thousands of employees who worked at Shell Oil finding that for men who retired early, the risk of dying prematurely was 80% greater for men than for women.
The anecdotal evidence is even more compelling. We’ve all heard about men who died within a few years of receiving their final pay cheque and leaving the office for the last time. And most of us know of a lonely, unmarried retiree who seeks solace nightly in the local bar.
“From my experience of our clients, men do seem to find the adjustment to retirement more challenging than do women,” confirms Kim Potgieter, director of Chartered Wealth Solutions, which specialises in retirement planning.
“It is often the wives who bring their husbands to a life planning meeting because they are concerned about them becoming depressed, as the men no longer have a sense of making a valued contribution, and, for many, their identity is called into question,” she says.
For the babyboomer generation and generations before that, formal employment was centre-stage of a man’s life, giving him status, money, a social circle, structure and purpose. The loss of these things, says clinical psychologist Dorianne Weil, can be nothing short of devastating.
“In our society, we tend to define ourselves by what we do rather than who we are. It is the definition of our worth. To be suddenly without these attributes can tip people into a depression, which typically leads to physical deterioration and substance abuse,” she says.
Lynda Smith, founder of the Refirement Network which offers retirement coaching, agrees, saying there is a sense of loss because men who lived in a world where they had one job for life, “have not spent enough time understanding who they are without their title”. Their wives, on the other hand, spent much, if not all their time, at home, fulfilling a number of roles as well as developing hobbies, which in retirement they can continue, she says.
“In this later phase of life, she has created a life of her own around grandchildren, bridge, friends and the gym, while he feels his usefulness as provider has disappeared,” says Smith.
Add to this the hormonal changes in men – a decline in testosterone – and his wife naturally takes on a more authoritative position.
Says Potgieter: “He becomes more sentimental and homely, but in trying to find his space at home, his wife may feel he is bossing her around in her domain. This is why I always suggest that a man finds his man-cave at home, so that he has the freedom to do his own thing.”
Wives, of course, also have to adjust to a man being at home, and they tend to make their own sacrifices in the process.
“I find that a wife, worried about her husband’s well-being, will feel compelled to cut down on her hobbies and time with her grandchildren to instead focus on him, to prevent him sliding into depression,” says Potgieter.
The answer lies in retirement planning, and a realistic approach to the golden years. Smith has noticed many people do “no planning around their retired life at all, only worry about their money running out too soon”.
Still, financial planning is the key, says Steven. “It’s because we’re financially secure that we’re able to do what we do,” he says.
Smith agrees that with longevity, we need to have enough money to sustain the lifestyle we’re accustomed to, but that thought needs to go into what you plan to do in this season of life. “It doesn’t need to be as structured as your work life, but certainly more than anything we need a reason to get up each day,” she says.
Potgieter rejoins: “The trick is to have something to retire to, not just from. Too many people leave life to chance and don’t have an active plan for what they want life in retirement to look like. The scenario of playing golf with friends six days a week is often the idyllic picture men hold of retirement, but this lifestyle actually compounds the problem, as there is a lack of meaning.”
Ideally, before retirement happens, men should be exploring the quality of their lives outside work – friendships, hobbies, and activities. Weil says men tend to cultivate their friendships around activities, like playing golf, watching rugby or playing card games, but encourages them to open up more freely about what they’re going through.
“Relationships will naturally play a more central role in your life, and this might mean getting to know your spouse all over again. It’s time to talk about things, and make plans,” she says.
Resources:
www.retirementnetwork.com
www.charteredwealth.co.za
www.dorianneweil.com