As we observe Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, it's essential to remember that love transcends loss. This October, join the conversation, support grieving families and help break the silence.
October marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time dedicated to raising awareness about the silent heartache that many families endure when they lose a child to stillbirth, miscarriage, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) or other causes during pregnancy or infancy.
In many cultures, including South Africa, this topic is often shrouded in silence, leaving grieving parents isolated in their pain.
But campaigns like Star Legacy’s October #NeverBeStill are working to change that by fostering open conversations, educating the public, and supporting bereaved families.
In South Africa, one woman's story has resonated deeply with many. Vongai Mapho, a beauty influencer and content creator, took to social media to share her devastating experience of losing her unborn child.
In 2022, Vongai, at age 30, bravely opened up about her journey to motherhood, revealing the heart-wrenching decision she had to make after discovering her baby had a heart defect and a condition called cystic hygroma, a sac-like structure that often forms in the head or neck of an infant.
Doctors told her that her baby would not survive beyond 20 weeks, forcing her into a painful decision to terminate.
Mapho, like many women, faced the dual trauma of losing a child and navigating the emotional complexities that come with such a loss. In a heartfelt Instagram post, she reflected on her unborn child, saying, “The biggest and most lingering question I'll always have is how my little Kai would have been - the sound of her voice, her laugh, the memories we could have shared.”
Her words resonate deeply with the countless parents who have experienced this profound loss, and her bravery in sharing her grief has helped break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss in South Africa.
Grief that lingers, but love that remains
Mapho’s story is not unique, but it is one that many are too afraid or too hurt to share. The loss of a child, no matter how early or late in pregnancy or life, is a grief that never truly goes away.
In her post, Mapho shared: “The days slowly get easier but I don't believe time truly heals. My love for her remains constant as does the ache of wondering.”
This sentiment is echoed by many parents who have experienced such a loss - their love for their child endures even though they never got to see them grow.
However, despite the heartache, the beauty influencer has recently shared the joy of giving birth to a healthy child (Aiden).
Her story is one of resilience, hope and healing. By opening up, she reminds us all that it’s possible to move forward, even while carrying the weight of loss.
How to support grieving parents
In her efforts to raise awareness, Mapho also shared advice on how to support those who are grieving the loss of a child.
It is often difficult to find the right words, and well-meaning comments can unintentionally cause more pain. Here are some important things to keep in mind:
What not to say
- Don’t ask when they’ll start trying again or suggest it’s time to move on. This diminishes the depth of their loss and grief.
- Avoid saying, "At least you have other children" or "You can always have another". Even if true, these phrases minimise the unique and irreplaceable loss of the child they are grieving.
- Don’t tell them to keep their grief private or to “move on”. Grief is not something to rush through or hide away.
- Steer clear of superstition by refraining from comments about witchcraft or the evil eye as these beliefs can harm and blame the grieving parents.
- Avoid phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “It was meant to be”. While meant to comfort, such words can feel dismissive of the very real pain they are experiencing.
What to say and do
Instead of offering quick fixes or platitudes, be present with your support. Here’s how you can truly help:
- Acknowledge their loss. Use the child’s name if the parents have shared it. A simple, heartfelt, “I’m so sorry for your loss” can go a long way.
- Listen without judgement. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is sit with them in their grief without trying to offer solutions.
- Be patient. Grief is not linear, and healing takes time. Check in with them regularly, even long after the loss, because their pain doesn’t go away after a set period.
- Offer practical help. Whether it’s bringing a meal, offering to watch their other children, or simply being there to talk, small gestures of support can mean the world.