ANOLENE THANGAVELU PILLAY
For decades, humans have focused their additional effort on finding the correct behaviour to live as a social species.
In our current scene, the word “sorry” has taken on a meaningless role and has become a Band-Aid word for any and all situations. Saying “sorry” has become ineffective and does not meet the level of politeness we expect from wrongdoers when they are in the wrong…and know it.
Modernists have proposed a more acceptable term for a true apology that reflects recent findings. Given this perspective, there is a pressing need for wrongdoers to change their behaviour to truly correct their mistakes.
By saying “I’ll fix what’s wrong”, you agree to take deliberate measures to correct the mistake. A striking concern about apologies is that backhanded apologies or listening to false claims are most likely shady. As a way of demonstrating integrity and maturity, aim to find ways to rectify mistakes. Most people would agree that a good apology consists of acknowledgement, acceptance and amends.
The intention of an apology is to magnify the trust in relationships by nurturing, restoring and rebuilding it. Backsliding may occur, but actions speak louder than intentions. At certain points in our lives, everyone will slip into unconscious behaviours. In some way, individuals rely on their intuition to sense whether an apology is sincere or not. Credibility is most likely given to your apology when your actions match your words.
Initially, an apology may seem sincere, but if it is repeated frequently, regardless of the intent, saying “sorry”, appears to be the appropriate response when others cause you emotional harm.
But, repeatedly apologising for the same mistake, does this represent a sincere apology? Or is it merely manipulation to make it easier to avoid intentional wrongdoings?
Exploring an interesting analogy: Consider why changing behaviour is the most effective apology. Otherwise, in the absence of change, it’s merely manipulation. These clichés lack credibility due to the absence of attempts to assert behavioural change.
It’s worth noting that abusers often use this analogy by offering apologies without any attempt to amend their behaviour. Acknowledge that this is their pattern of behaviour and ultimate option.
Accepting repeated apologies for the same mistake is equivalent to saying, “it’s acceptable for you to disregard my feelings”. Are we not self-assured enough to demand that our worthiness be recognised by no longer accepting apologetic behaviours? For the most part, wrongdoers may be saying it to alleviate themselves of guilt.
Listening to empty promises can cause emotional exhaustion when having to explain your constant dissatisfaction repeatedly. Decide with firmness what you can tolerate and what you will not compromise on. Asserting boundaries accordingly serves as a safeguard for your mental health.
In a modernist world, wrongdoers are encouraged to fully acknowledge the impact of their mistakes which on the flip side reduces their emotional pressure.
Empirical research suggests that individuals perform their best when they are faced with high levels of pressure; and adopt a pressure-less mindset. This enhances our mental capacity which aims to spark our confidence or optimism. Minimising pressured behaviours with the help of knowing words is where the most significant change begins.
Eliminating excuses and providing an honest explanation for mistakes is necessary for change. Take responsibility for the wrongdoing whether it was physical or psychological. Use empathy to confirm that your actions were unacceptable.
Just like other habits that are under the radar, we can intentionally focus on our apologies with sensitivity and kindness. Express sincere regret by showing that you understand the reason for your actions that were hurtful.
Finding closure can be achieved by following up with changes or amendments to our behaviour, acceptance and letting go of the experience. A sincere apology does not include any “ifs” or “buts”. These words signify an excuse that makes your apology false. To showcase your sincerity, why not commit to permanent behavioural change?
Modernism emphasises that a heartfelt and timely apology is a powerful act of humility, courage and compassion intended to positively impact situations and relationships. The power of a sincere apology lies in its ability to restore integrity and diminish fear of vengeance on the receiving end. On the giving end, it has the potential to be a powerful instrument to reconcile a relationship and initiate the restoration of trust.
As they say, the most valuable things in life are always priceless. Acknowledge what you have before it’s no longer yours to appreciate. When we hear a heartfelt apology, it’s a simple phrase and though it’s so simple, it’s highly effective.
As individuals, we can model apologetic behaviour better by shifting away from excuse tactics to heartfelt apologies. On account of this, would it not be better to focus on discovering ways to apologise without saying the word “sorry”?
Anolene Thangavelu Pillay is a Psychology Advisor.
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